Bad Eggs

Written by: Marti Noxon
Directed by: David Greenwalt

Cast : Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy Summers, Nicholas Brendon as Xander Harris, Alyson Hannigan as Willow Rosenberg, Charisma Carpenter as Cordelia Chase, David Boreanaz as Angel, Anthony Stewart Head as Rupert Giles.

Main guest stars : Kristine Sutherland as Joyce Summers, Jeremy Ratchford as Lyle Gorch, James Parks as Tector Gorch, Rick Zieff as Mr. Whitmore, Danny Strong as Jonathan.

Original broadcast date : January 12, 1998

My one-line description: Gives a whole new meaning to the expression “egg on your face”. The yolk’s on you.

In a shopping mall, Joyce asks Buffy to pick up her clothes from the tailor while she goes to the printer and then fetches some food. Buffy grudgingly heads to the tailor shop; on the way there, she comes across a cowboy-style guy hitting on a cute girl. She goes past them, but freezes – the mirror on the escalator wall shows the girl alone. Buffy follows the couple to an empty arcade, where the cowboy is preparing to feed… She sends the girl away and faces him. As they fight, he introduces himself as Lyle Gorch. Buffy quickly gets the upper hand, and Gorch disappears before she can stake him. He promises this isn’t over. Buffy goes back to join her mom in the mall food fair; Joyce points out that her daughter hasn’t picked up her dress. Buffy is contrite, and Joyce declares that she needs to learn a little responsibility.

Cordelia and Xander are making out in a broom closet at school. Xander is offended that they need to do this in the dark and hide from their friends, but she isn’t too keen on being seen with him. Later, in Teen Health class, Mr. Whitmore lectures on sex and sexual drives. He asks students to give him examples of consequences of teen sex, and Cordelia and Xander take the opportunity to trade veiled barbs. Finally, Willow supplies that a major consequence of teen sex is pregnancy. Thanking her, Mr. Whitmore gives the class their assignment – he gives each student an egg that they have to care for as if it were their offspring.

Willow and Xander join Buffy in the library – where she was during class - hand her an egg and explain the assignment. Giles comes out of his office and shows Buffy an old 19th-century photograph of two men – Lyle Gorch and his brother Tector. Willow suggests that Buffy enlist Angel’s help in hunting them down.

Buffy and Angel are in the graveyard, kissing passionately. Hidden behind a headstone, the Gorches look on. Tector wants to kill them now, but Lyle – obviously the brain of the team – tells his brother that he has a plan.

Buffy, about to go to bed, runs through her egg checklist (feeding, burping, etc.) Satisfied, she leaves the egg on her nightstand and turns off the lights. A bit later on, Buffy is asleep. Suddenly, a piece of the eggshell cracks, and a tendril shoots out, heading for Buffy. It crawls up onto her face, then extends until it covers it.

In a sewer, the Gorches are arguing – Tector is tired of eating rat, but Lyle asks him to be patient. He reveals that he plans to hit the Slayer when she’s down, but Tector taunts him, saying he’s afraid of her. The two brothers wrestle playfully.

In Buffy’s room, all is normal once more when her alarm goes off. She tiredly gets up, goes downstairs and takes a huge sip of her mother’s coffee. Clearly, the Slayer is not feeling well.

Buffy, Xander and Willow join Giles in the library, since Mr. Whitmore apparently didn’t show for Teen Health Class. Buffy and Willow are both looking very tired. Giles notices this, and blames it on the burden of “parenthood”. Xander reveals that he found another solution – he boiled his egg. Cordelia comes in, and drops hints to Xander to get him to go to a closet with her. The two leave in a hurry.

That night, Buffy and Angel are once again necking in the graveyard. He tells her she should go home, and volunteers to hunt for the Gorches. She comments she still has to fill out her egg diary, and this leads Angel to admit that he can’t have kids. After some hesitation, Buffy decides she doesn’t care.

At the school, the night security guard finds the boiler room door ajar, and goes to investigate. He comes up on a huge hole into the wall, but before he can go further, Mr. Whitmore comes up behind him and shoves him into the hole.

In Buffy’s bedroom, the egg starts making a clicking sound. Buffy hears it and looks at the egg, wondering… Suddenly, the egg explodes, and an insect-like creature bursts out. It skitters under the bed, and Buffy, grabbing a book to squash it with, goes after it. The creature falls onto Buffy’s back from above, and she throws it off her. It skitters away. After a time, we see the thing climbing up a wall behind Buffy. She throws a letter opener at it and impales it. She then goes to her phone and dials Willow’s number. The redhead picks up, and Buffy reports what her egg did; Willow swears that her own egg is normal. Buffy apologizes for waking her, and hangs up. Willow also hangs up, and looks blankly at the empty egg shell on her desk…

Joyce enters Buffy’s room and sees her daughter is fully dressed – at three in the morning. She demands to know to whom Buffy was talking to at this hour; Buffy replies it was Willow, but Joyce doesn’t believe her. The next morning, Joyce drives her daughter to school and explains that she’s grounded – which means that she will pick her up at the library at 5:30, and she expects her to be there.

A chastised Buffy climbs out of the car. Seeing Cordelia, - wearing a cute bear backpack - she asks her if her egg is OK. Cordy replies that it’s in her bear, and not doing anything out of the ordinary. Meanwhile, Xander is sitting on a bench, finding his breakfast bar unappetizing. Remembering his egg, he cracks it open.

Willow joins Buffy, who apologizes for calling her so late. Willow answers that it’s no sweat, and Buffy reports that she brought the egg creature for Giles to analyze. As they talk, we see a lump at the base of Willow’s back – two tentacles are fused into her spinal cord. The girls move towards Xander, who’s about to take a bite out of… a hard-boiled insect monster. Seeing this, he screams.

In the science room, the gang look at the two creatures laid out in dissection trays. As Willow begins to dissect, two tendrils break out of Cordelia’s bear and writhe down her back… The gang discusses what may have happened to Mr. Whitmore, and Willow says something about a Mother Bezoar and her offspring. Before Buffy and Xander can ask what she’s talking about, Cordelia clobbers the Slayer with a lead pipe, while Willow knocks out Xander with a microscope. The girls drag the two into a closet, and lock the door. Then, staring blankly ahead, Willow and Cordy walk away, joining other zombified students and teachers. In the groundskeeper’s shed, they grab axes, picks and shovels, and go to the boiler room. Mr. Whitmore watches as they all enter the hole in the wall.

Joyce arrives at the library and finds it empty. Giles greets her and tells her he hasn’t seen Buffy. Joyce is upset, and rants as Giles listens. Then a bang comes from the janitor’s closet, and Joyce wonders what that is. While her back is turned, Giles drops a bezoar on her. Joyce screams. A few minutes later, her and Giles emerge from the library, staring blankly, and join a file of zombie students.

In the closet, Buffy and Xander come to; as they inspect their surroundings, they see two eggs obviously waiting for them… Buffy squashes them with a tool chest, and then kicks the door open. On the counter, they find a few books Giles was consulting, and then see pieces of a broken eggshell…

In the boiler room, Giles and Joyce enter the hole in the wall, which reveals a pit where students and teachers are digging in the ground, where a wet membrane is pulsating. A few workers collect eggs from the pit and place them in crates.

In the library, Buffy and Xander find out that the bezoar mother hibernates underground, while its offspring attach themselves to a host, taking control of its motor functions by neural clamping. Suddenly, a scream comes from outside. On the stairs, Jonathan, a student, is yelling for Buffy and Xander to “get it off” him. Then he calmly gets up, claims that he just slipped, and walks away, looking blankly ahead. Buffy and Xander follow him, and come to the hole where the zombies are digging. Xander decides to follow Cordelia, who is carrying away an egg crate. Buffy climbs out of the hole to get a weapon, and runs into the Gorches. They fight, and she actually sends Tector rolling into the hole. He gets up, bewildered, and Willow orders the other zombies to kill them. Lyle and Buffy end up having to fight off zombies before going back to fighting each other.

Meanwhile, Xander follows Cordelia and another zombie into a tunnel. He knocks them both into unconsciousness, and gets rid of the eggs.

In the cave, Giles hits Tector with an axe and sends him flying. Tector ends up right over the hole; the mother bezoar extends two tentacles and reels him in. Lyle listens as his brother gets eaten; he decides this is Buffy’s fault, and flings her towards the hole. As a tentacle grabs her ankle, Joyce swings an axe at her daughter; Buffy grabs it just as the mother bezoar swallows her. After a moment, sounds of thumping can be heard, and the mother bezoar screams and dies. The offspring falls dead off Willow’s back, and she collapses, unconscious. Lyle watches, bewildered, as all the others faint. He then sees Buffy climb out of the hole, covered in goo and looking quite pissed. He tips his hat and takes off.

Xander and Giles are helping people out of the school – the official alibi is a gas leak. Buffy goes to her mother and asks if she’s all right; Joyce suddenly remembers Buffy was supposed to be in the library, and decides this is the last straw – she confines her daughter to her room.

Buffy and Angel are kissing passionately. Angel wonders whether she’s breaking any rules, but the camera zooms out, revealing that Buffy is at her room window and Angel on the roof outside.

Summary by OttsFiveByFive.

Episode Ratings

Mac -
“Two bad episodes in a row. Although it was rather funny to see Willow and Cordelia beat up Buffy and Xander.”

DJ Angelus -
“This is more of what I look for in a Buffy ep.”

Quotes

(B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, A=Angel, C=Cordelia, JC=Jenny Calendar, J=Joyce, PS=Principal Snyder, S=Spike, D=Druscilla, O=Oz, L=Lyle Gorch, T=Tector Gorch, MW=Mr. Whitmore)
—
B: But I looked good in it.
J: You looked like a streetwalker.
B: But a thin streetwalker. That’s probably not going to be the winning argument, is it?
J: You’re just too young to wear that.
B: Yeah, I’m gonna be too young to wear it until I’m too old to wear it.
J: That’s the idea.

B: “Everyday Woman”? Why didn’t you just go to Muumuu’s R Us?
J: Do now. Make fun of your mother later.

L: Well, ain’t you just got the prettiest little neck I ever did see?
B: Boy, you guys really never come up with any new lines, do you?
Girl: Do you mind? We were talking here.
B: But you promised you’d never cheat on me again, honey!

L: All right, sugar-lips. Giddyup.

L: This ain’t over!
B: Oh, sure, they say they’ll call.

B: Oh bliss, mall food.

J: Let me guess: You were distracted by a boy.
B: Technically.
J: Honestly, don’t you ever think about anything besides boys and clothes?
B: Saving the world from vampires?
J: < pause > I swear, sometimes I don’t know what goes on in your head.

X: You know what? This would work a lot better for me if you didn’t talk.
C: Well, it’d work a lot better for me with the lights out.
X: Are you saying you can’t look at me when we do… whatever it is we do?
C: It’s not that I can’t, it’s just more… I don’t want to.

X: All in all, this is not what I’d call a big self-esteem booster.
C: Tell me about it! Just look at you!

X: I don’t need this.
C: Ditto! Like a hole in the head! < kissing, moans >

MW: How many of us have lost countless productive hours plagued by unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings.
X: Yes!
MW: That was a rhetorical question, Mr. Harris, not a poll.

X: You want to talk negative consequences? What about the heartbreak of halitosis? I mean, a girl may seem spiffy, but if she ignores her flossing, the bloom is definitely off the rose.
C: Like that compares to kissing a guy who thinks the hoover technique is a big turn on.
X: What about having to feign interest in her vapid little chit-chat just so you can get some touch?

W: Buffy, how come you weren’t in class?
B: Vampire issues. Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy?
X: I think the word you’re searching for is absent.
W: Tardy people show.

B: As far as punishments go, this is fairly abstract.
W: No, it’s your baby.
B: Okay, I get it even less.
X: Well, you know, it’s the whole sex leads to responsibility thing, which I personally do not get. You got to take care of the egg. It’s a baby. You got to keep it safe and teach it Christian values.
W: My egg is Jewish.
X: Then teach it that dreidel song.

B: I can’t do this. I can’t take care of things. I killed my gigapet. I mean, literally. I sat on it and it broke.

X: You know, the only thing that stresses me is when do we tell them they’re adopted?

B: I’m a single mother?
X: No man of her own.
B: Do you know what that says about me? That I’m doomed to lead my mother’s life. How deeply scary is that?

G: They made their reputation by massacring an entire Mexican village in 1886.
B: Friendly little demons.
G: That was before they became vampires.

G: The good news is that they’re not amongst the great thinkers of our time.

X: ’Nuff said. I propose that Buffy slays them. All in favor?
W: Aye!

B: Please. Like Angel and I are just helpless slaves to passion. Grow up.

B: You know, this isn’t hunting in the classical sense.

T: That the Slayer?
L: Yep.
T: Ain’t that Angelus with her?
L: Yep.
T: Well, how come she ain’t slayin’? And how come he’s about to make me blush?

B: Good night, Eggbert.

T: I’m tired of rat.

T: I just don’t like it here. Ain’t a decent whore in the whole city limits.

L: All right, I’m gonna beat you like a redheaded stepchild, and throw your ass out in that sunlight.

L: Yippee-ki-ay, matey!

J: Are you sure your egg is secure in that?
B: Did I ask for back-seat mommying?

B: I didn’t sleep well.
J: What’s the matter, your egg keep you up all night?
B: You’re killing me. Parenting’s a pain.
J: Wait ’til it starts dating.

X: Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. You. Angel. Big. Smoochies?
B: Shut. Up.

X: You can’t stress over every little thing. A child picks up on that. Which is a one-way ticket to neurotic city.

X: Which is another secret to conscientious egg care. A pot of scalding water and about eight minutes.
W: You boiled your egg?
X: Yeah, I know it sounds cruel, but sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind.

G: I suppose there is a kind of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.
X: I resent that! Or possibly thank you.

W: Are they getting weirder? Have you noticed the weirdness of them?
B: They’re weird.

W: Angel’s helping you, right?
B: He does what he can.

B: As much as I hate to say this, we should really go kill bad guys.

A: I’ll hunt.
B: Really? You’d do that?
A: Not like I have an early day tomorrow.

B: I figured there were all sorts of things vampires can’t do. Like work for the telephone company, or volunteer for the Red Cross, or… have little vampires.

B: I had a bad dream?
J: Oh, no, you’re about to have a bad dream. A dream that you are grounded for the rest of your natural life.

B: Okay, soliloquy girl, I just wanted to ask about your egg.

B: So your egg isn’t acting odd or anything?
C: It isn’t acting anything. It’s an egg, Buffy. It doesn’t emote.

X: Mmmm, cardboard-y. Sorry, junior, but a man’s gotta eat.

B: You know, I always say that a day without an autopsy is like a day without sunshine.

X: Can I just say… ghuuuh!

B: I’ll see your ghuuuh! and raise you a nuuuhh!

B: Me? Why do I have to dissect it?
X: Because you’re the Slayer.
B: And I slayed. My work here is done!
X: Oh no, I almost ate one of these things. I think I’ve fulfilled my gross-out quota for the decade.

J: She never means to, but somehow, she always manages to anyway!

J: Bristow’s Demon Index? Hell’s Offspring?
G: A hobby of mine, uh, but, uh, having nothing to do with Buffy in any way.

X: Last time Cordy dragged me in here, it was a lot nicer.
B: What?
X: Nothing. Uh, crazy talk, head trauma.
B: Tell me about it. I’m gonna have a big bump.
X: I’m gonna have a peninsula!

X: Oh. Bad now. < smash! > Thank you.

X: He must be out somewhere.
B: Well, he picked a hell of a time to get a life.

X: Willow said something, a name… What was it?
B: A bozo! Not a bozo.
X: A bezoar.
B: That’s it. Okay, so now.. we look it up?
X: In what?
B: A book?

B: I’d say he found something.
X: I’d say something found him.

X: Neural clamping. That sounds skippable.

X: Do we really want to go in there?
B: We really don’t.

B: I’m gonna need a weapon. I’m gonna need a _big_ weapon.

L: I told you this weren’t over.
T: She’s so cute. And little. You think we can keep her?

X: Cordelia! I don’t want to hurt you. Some of the time. < punch > I’ll kill you! That’s my _bump_.

L: This is all your fault.
B: How??

L: All right. It’s over.

G: These gas things will happen. What was it, really?
X: Stick with the gas thing, I’ll fill you in tomorrow.
G: Right.

W: Did I really hit you?
X: You knocked me out.
C: Did I hit you?
X: Yes, everyone hit me!
C: Good. Well, I don’t mean good because I hit you, but I didn’t want to be left out.

B: How is she?
X: She’s a bit confused, but it’s going around.

B: I’m grounded?
J: You’re already grounded.
B: Oh, yeah.

Credit: The Sunnydale Slayers