The Characters in 2002

Buffy was dead. She was brought back. She bitched about it a lot. She had inappropriate sex with Spike. Lest we not forget her gig at the Doublemeat Palace. No seriously, let’s forget. We also found out that she has a mystical tan. Did I mention the inappropriate sex? She cried a lot too.

Spike protected Dawn. He had inappropriate sex with Buffy. He then took this…

“I have feelings for you. I do. But it’s not love. I could never trust you enough for it to be love.”

…as a sign that Buffy wanted to have rough sex on the bathroom floor. Only she said no. He took *that* as a sign that Buffy still wanted to have rough sex on the bathroom floor. Oh yeah, and he got a soul and cried a lot. Angel: the next generation.

Willow bashed us over the head with the magic/drug metaphor about 20 times in 2002. Her junkie-ness went overboard when a nerd killed her girlfriend. She couldn’t sing very well in 2001, and I’m pretty sure it’s the same way now. She killed Warren and everyone forgave her in 3 months…because, you know, new episodes. She also cried a lot.

Xander saved us all with a yellow crayon. He stood up Anya at the altar. He didn’t have a partiucularly good reason for this. Hey buddy, all of us don’t want to turn into our fathers; that doesn’t mean we will. They didn’t give him much story. It must be a running gag. He cried a lot.

Dawn (or “Umad”) whined for 2 years and suddenly stopped. She grew up in 2 hours time. It was ironic, because she went from nothing to 14 in a second too. She must do everything rapidly. Stealing stuff from the magic shop was her subplot. Yeah, I didn’t think they were trying either. She cried a lot.

Anya went from human-to-vengence demon-to-human again. We didn’t know this was possible, seeing as though Giles broke her medalian in The Wish. She got stood up at the altar, and still fears bunnies. The two go hand in hand. She had a bunch of frat guys killed and everyone forgave her the next week. Those scoobies, they’re forgivers. She cried a lot.

Tara died. It was sad and sudden, and kind of written anti-climactic. She can’t come back from the dead. That’s only reserved for slayers and zombie cats named “boots”. Plus her agent is holding his foot down on her grave. She cried a lot before she died.

Giles came and went, came back again, went again, came back again, and went again. Now he’s back again. He laughed along with the rest of us at how silly season 6 was. He had the best line of the season - “I’d like to test that theory” - and was only in 7 episodes. That tells you something. No one can touch him right now because the writers want us to think that he’s dead or evil or something. Either way it’s going to be retarded.

Clem ate buggles and wanted to see “The Wedding Planner”. Let’s hope he didn’t waste his money.

Amy was finally de-ratted, did some horrible disney magic with Willow that completely screwed the last 6 years of magick mythology, and went away before 2002 even started. I don’t think anyone misses her.

The Trio were super villians. They argued about who the best Bond was, and made a freeze ray. Warren killed two people and got flayed. Jonathon was stabbed and sacrificed by Andrew. Andrew’s tied up to a chair as I type…and the ropes itch.

Rack was a warlock who Willow apparently killed. He was an irritating guy. He liked the taste of strawberries.